Sad news

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In article ,
Bill Wright wrote:

An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually"
or whatever

As if you'd pulled a muscle or something.

my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I want to
stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would be
to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want
her to fill my mind for ever.

I completely understand that, perfectly normal human reaction. I
would be seriously worried about someone who didn't feel like that.


Cheers,

Bob.

--
Bob Latham
Stourbridge, West Midlands

On 26/08/2019 12:58, Bob Latham wrote:
In article ,
Bill Wright wrote:

An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually"
or whatever

As if you'd pulled a muscle or something.

my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I want to
stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would be
to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want
her to fill my mind for ever.

I completely understand that, perfectly normal human reaction. I
would be seriously worried about someone who didn't feel like that.

You reassure me.

Bill

On 26/08/2019 12:47, Bill Wright wrote:

An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would
be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want her
to fill my mind for ever.

It's not an oddity, but it's not helpful to you. You are in a dark
tunnel of grief that only time can let you get to the end of, to find
some sort of daylight at the end. It is you, not Hil, who is still
alive and therefore suffering; as far as anyone knows, she herself now
feels nothing. Therefore it is *you* who needs help now.

In the comedy "The Last Of The Blonde Bombshells", a grandmother whose
husband has just died asks her early teens, or thereabouts,
granddaughter how one should show respect for the dead, and the
granddaughter answers, perhaps rather glibly: "That's easy! Just keep
on living!" Glib it may be, but it's true. You have to find out how to
respect her memory and keep it alive in a way that allows you to
continue to live and function as normally as possible, and only time can
help with that.

As soon as you can, start finding yourself things to keep yourself
occupied. When a child cuts itself, it goes running to Mummy, who, like
as not, will put a plaster on the cut. Later, the plaster is peeled
off, and the cut is healed, so the child thinks there's something magic
about plaster, and asks for one at for every slightest graze, even when
there's no real need, not realising that all the plaster was doing was
keeping the wound clean while the child's own body was responsible for
the healing of the wound underneath. Keeping yourself occupied is your
plaster, while time does the silent, unseen healing underneath.

It may sound terribly unfeeling to give such clinically logical advice,
but, trust me, it works better than anything else.

On 26/08/2019 12:47, Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would
be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want her
to fill my mind for ever.


It's a silly thing for them to say. But try to be charitable and put it
down to their ignorance or stupidity. All I'd ever say is that most
people find it easier to /cope/ as time goes by.

IMLE those with children and grandchildren seem to cope better - even
if the family are too far way to lend practical support - so I reckon
it's persykology.


--
Robin
reply-to address is (intended to be) valid

On Mon, 26 Aug 2019 12:47:32 +0100 Bill Wright
posted:

On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would
be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want her
to fill my mind for ever.

Bill

First, I would like also to express my sincere condolences.

I lost my husband some years ago and I completely understand what you
have written here and you will find people will say a lot of things,
especially those who have not been through a similar loss and just feel
they need to say something, anything.

I even had one person tell me they knew how I felt as they has recently
lost their dog. :-)

And I do not mean that in a nasty way as people genuinely want to help,
want to say something to help take away the pain they can see that you
are going through.

But in my own experience, you will never get over it but you will
hopefully learn how to cope with everyday live without being consumed by
the grief of it.

I guess that is what some people equate with "feeling better" when in
fact it is probably more about learning to keep the feelings inside so
/they/ see it less.

But if it is any of any help, my husband is no less part of me than he
was the day I lost him but I am now able to live my life without every
moment being about him no longer being here - which is how it was for me
for the first few years.

Do I "feel better" about him not being here? No, I don't. But I can at
least go about my life without breaking down in tears when a memory is
triggered or when I need his help, and for that I am grateful.

So take your time, ignore other people's expectations and just smile
sweetly when they say silly things as they really are just trying to
help however misguided their comments might be.

Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better"
would be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I
want her to fill my mind for ever.

Bill

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my heart.
After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes see her in my
dreams.
But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will feel better as far as feeling
better can go. I've been there and the hurt does fade. I wish you all the
best.
For what it is worth, when my dad died mum just gave up after 56 years of
marriage. She was a mess and lasted maybe a couple of years after. Don't let
that happen to you. Hil would not like it. When my wife died I have done my
best to carry on, my late wife would not have liked me to chuck the towel
in.

Robin wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:47, Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better"
would be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I
want her to fill my mind for ever.


It's a silly thing for them to say. But try to be charitable and put
it down to their ignorance or stupidity. All I'd ever say is that
most people find it easier to /cope/ as time goes by.

No, it is not down to ignorance or stupidity, they are trying to be as
helpful as they can.

IMLE those with children and grandchildren seem to cope better - even
if the family are too far way to lend practical support - so I reckon
it's persykology.

In article , Mr Pounder Esquire
wrote:
Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better" would
be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I want her
to fill my mind for ever.

Bill

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my heart.
After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes see her in my
dreams. But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will feel better as far as
feeling better can go. I've been there and the hurt does fade. I wish
you all the best. For what it is worth, when my dad died mum just gave
up after 56 years of marriage. She was a mess and lasted maybe a couple
of years after. Don't let that happen to you. Hil would not like it.
When my wife died I have done my best to carry on, my late wife would
not have liked me to chuck the towel in.


My mother died - of stomach cancer - when she was only 62 . My father
caried on my himself for another 27 years.

--
from KT24 in Surrey, England
"I'd rather die of exhaustion than die of boredom" Thomas Carlyle

charles wrote:
In article , Mr Pounder Esquire
wrote:
Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better"
would be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that.
I want her to fill my mind for ever.

Bill

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my
heart. After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes
see her in my dreams. But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will
feel better as far as feeling better can go. I've been there and the
hurt does fade. I wish you all the best. For what it is worth, when
my dad died mum just gave up after 56 years of marriage. She was a
mess and lasted maybe a couple of years after. Don't let that happen
to you. Hil would not like it. When my wife died I have done my best
to carry on, my late wife would not have liked me to chuck the towel
in.


My mother died - of stomach cancer - when she was only 62 . My father
caried on my himself for another 27 years.

+1

On Mon, 26 Aug 2019 17:29:23 +0100 Mr Pounder Esquire
posted:

Robin wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:47, Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:22, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
pinnerite wrote:
Like all your followers, I too am very sorry for your loss.

Alan

+1


An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better"
would be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I
want her to fill my mind for ever.


It's a silly thing for them to say. But try to be charitable and put
it down to their ignorance or stupidity. All I'd ever say is that
most people find it easier to /cope/ as time goes by.

No, it is not down to ignorance or stupidity, they are trying to be as
helpful as they can.

With respect - it is both. :-)