Sad news

On 26/08/2019 13:34, Java Jive wrote:
On 26/08/2019 12:47, Bill Wright wrote:

An oddity is that when people say "You'll feel better eventually" or
whatever my reaction is to think that I don't want to feel better. I
want to stay like this for ever, crying for her. To "feel better"
would be to distance myself from her, and I don't want to do that. I
want her to fill my mind for ever.

It's not an oddity, but it's not helpful to you.Â* You are in a dark
tunnel of grief that only time can let you get to the end of, to find
some sort of daylight at the end.Â* It is you, not Hil, who is still
alive and therefore suffering; as far as anyone knows, she herself now
feels nothing.Â* Therefore it is *you* who needs help now.

In the comedy "The Last Of The Blonde Bombshells", a grandmother whose
husband has just died asks her early teens, or thereabouts,
granddaughter how one should show respect for the dead, and the
granddaughter answers, perhaps rather glibly: "That's easy!Â* Just keep
on living!"Â* Glib it may be, but it's true.Â* You have to find out how to
respect her memory and keep it alive in a way that allows you to
continue to live and function as normally as possible, and only time can
help with that.

As soon as you can, start finding yourself things to keep yourself
occupied.Â* When a child cuts itself, it goes running to Mummy, who, like
as not, will put a plaster on the cut.Â* Later, the plaster is peeled
off, and the cut is healed, so the child thinks there's something magic
about plaster, and asks for one at for every slightest graze, even when
there's no real need, not realising that all the plaster was doing was
keeping the wound clean while the child's own body was responsible for
the healing of the wound underneath.Â* Keeping yourself occupied is your
plaster, while time does the silent, unseen healing underneath.

It may sound terribly unfeeling to give such clinically logical advice,
but, trust me, it works better than anything else.

Wise words. Thank you.

Bill

On 26/08/2019 14:42, Robin wrote:

IMLE those with children and grandchildren seem to cope betterÂ* - even
if the family are too far way to lend practical support - so I reckon
it's persykology.


The grandchildren don't know it but they are marvelous.

Bill

On 26/08/2019 15:52, Yellow wrote:


I lost my husband some years ago and I completely understand what you
have written here and you will find people will say a lot of things,
especially those who have not been through a similar loss and just feel
they need to say something, anything.

I even had one person tell me they knew how I felt as they has recently
lost their dog. :-)

And I do not mean that in a nasty way as people genuinely want to help,
want to say something to help take away the pain they can see that you
are going through.

But in my own experience, you will never get over it but you will
hopefully learn how to cope with everyday live without being consumed by
the grief of it.

I guess that is what some people equate with "feeling better" when in
fact it is probably more about learning to keep the feelings inside so
/they/ see it less.

But if it is any of any help, my husband is no less part of me than he
was the day I lost him but I am now able to live my life without every
moment being about him no longer being here - which is how it was for me
for the first few years.

Do I "feel better" about him not being here? No, I don't. But I can at
least go about my life without breaking down in tears when a memory is
triggered or when I need his help, and for that I am grateful.

So take your time, ignore other people's expectations and just smile
sweetly when they say silly things as they really are just trying to
help however misguided their comments might be.


A very helpful and insightful post. Thank you.

Bill

On 26/08/2019 17:25, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my heart.
After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes see her in my
dreams.
But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will feel better as far as feeling
better can go. I've been there and the hurt does fade. I wish you all the
best.
For what it is worth, when my dad died mum just gave up after 56 years of
marriage. She was a mess and lasted maybe a couple of years after. Don't let
that happen to you. Hil would not like it. When my wife died I have done my
best to carry on, my late wife would not have liked me to chuck the towel
in.


Thank you. That helps me feel less alone.

Bill

On 26/08/2019 20:30, Bill Wright wrote:
Thank you. That helps me feel less alone.

Bill, you are not alone.

Time will allow you to cope with your grief better.

Andy

On 26/08/2019 21:15, Vir Campestris wrote:
On 26/08/2019 20:30, Bill Wright wrote:
Thank you. That helps me feel less alone.

Bill, you are not alone.

Time will allow you to cope with your grief better.

Andy

Yes I guess so.

Bill

Bill,

I've been deliberating what I could possibly say here that wouldn't
sound trite or simply a duplication of what others have already said,
but I realise I must add my sympathies if only to swell the numbers,
because the real message is that you are not alone. It's a bizarre
situation that a bunch of people who only know each other as words on
a screen and will probably never meet can regard each other as friends
to the extent of sharing each other's sorrows, but there we are.

I think the point somebody made about grandchildren is a particularly
strong one. I know you've got grandchildren; you've mentioned them
plenty of times, and every time you do I am reminded of my own, and
the strange uplifting mixture of worry, frustration, amazement and
pure love that nothing else can provide. It's like having children all
over again, but this time with the time and patience to cope with it
better (and give them back when you've had enough). I know I would be
a different person without mine. Try to see yours as often as you can.
(I expect you will anyway). Anything you can do to add to their
knowledge and experience or just let them know how much they mean to
you will help them cope with whatever their own lives throw at them.
Nothing can replace your loss of course, but grandchildren can give
you a sense of purpose and meaning like no other, and I'm sure this
will help.

I hope it also helps you to know that your occasional colourful and
amusing reminiscences of some of the crazy situations you have been in
and various wacky people you have met are very much appreciated. I
expect it will be some time before you feel like sharing any more of
these with us, but if you ever think you do, don't hesitate. I'm sure
I speak for most of us when I say that the uplifting effect your
stories have on our otherwise mundane lives is greatly valued.

Rod.

Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 17:25, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my
heart. After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes
see her in my dreams.
But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will feel better as far as
feeling better can go. I've been there and the hurt does fade. I
wish you all the best.
For what it is worth, when my dad died mum just gave up after 56
years of marriage. She was a mess and lasted maybe a couple of years
after. Don't let that happen to you. Hil would not like it. When my
wife died I have done my best to carry on, my late wife would not
have liked me to chuck the towel in.


Thank you. That helps me feel less alone.

Bill

You may find that you cry easily, it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Roderick Stewart wrote:
Bill,

I've been deliberating what I could possibly say here that wouldn't
sound trite or simply a duplication of what others have already said,
but I realise I must add my sympathies if only to swell the numbers,
because the real message is that you are not alone. It's a bizarre
situation that a bunch of people who only know each other as words on
a screen and will probably never meet can regard each other as friends
to the extent of sharing each other's sorrows, but there we are.

I think the point somebody made about grandchildren is a particularly
strong one. I know you've got grandchildren; you've mentioned them
plenty of times, and every time you do I am reminded of my own, and
the strange uplifting mixture of worry, frustration, amazement and
pure love that nothing else can provide. It's like having children all
over again, but this time with the time and patience to cope with it
better (and give them back when you've had enough). I know I would be
a different person without mine. Try to see yours as often as you can.
(I expect you will anyway). Anything you can do to add to their
knowledge and experience or just let them know how much they mean to
you will help them cope with whatever their own lives throw at them.
Nothing can replace your loss of course, but grandchildren can give
you a sense of purpose and meaning like no other, and I'm sure this
will help.

I hope it also helps you to know that your occasional colourful and
amusing reminiscences of some of the crazy situations you have been in
and various wacky people you have met are very much appreciated. I
expect it will be some time before you feel like sharing any more of
these with us, but if you ever think you do, don't hesitate. I'm sure
I speak for most of us when I say that the uplifting effect your
stories have on our otherwise mundane lives is greatly valued.

Rod.

+1

On Tue 27/08/2019 17:14, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Bill Wright wrote:
On 26/08/2019 17:25, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:

My wife of 28 years died last year in April. And yes, it broke my
heart. After all of this time I still cry sometimes and sometimes
see her in my dreams.
But, Bill, the hurt does fade and you will feel better as far as
feeling better can go. I've been there and the hurt does fade. I
wish you all the best.
For what it is worth, when my dad died mum just gave up after 56
years of marriage. She was a mess and lasted maybe a couple of years
after. Don't let that happen to you. Hil would not like it. When my
wife died I have done my best to carry on, my late wife would not
have liked me to chuck the towel in.


Thank you. That helps me feel less alone.

Bill

You may find that you cry easily, it is nothing to be ashamed of.


I haven't added my thoughts yet, but for the moment suffice to say that
the ability to cry is a stress relief that nothing else can match.
Bottle it up and you are heading for an MI, let it go and you will survive.

I was told that by my GP 25 years ago when my father died.

--
Woody

harrogate three at ntlworld dot com